Sometimes I wanted to deny that there would be a change. Craig and I lived together already. We loved each other just as much. I tried to tell myself that the wedding would not change anything. I thought this would comfort me.
But it didn't. Even though my living situation stayed the same, I changed. Even though Craig and I have the same love for each other before the wedding as we do now, we changed.
I don't know why, but it is. My relationship with my parents has changed. They see more more as a unit, with a partner. They were always accommodating to make sure Craig was included, but now, it isn't just Craig with me. It is me and Craig. We went out to dinner with my parents this past Sunday, and it was weird. My mom seemed goofy, more childlike. My dad seemed like he still wanted to be protective but didn't know how. Awkwardness. Unsure of how to talk about things.
I haven't felt the changes much with my friends, but I know we will be seen more as a unit, especially when we move to Boston and make new friends. Us. No longer me and him. Us.
Not to say that I've lost my identity or anything like that. Rather, my identity has changed from a single person to a married person. I am still me. But I am no longer able to identify myself as a single person. I have changed.
This was what I was grappling with this past year, during the engagement. I would feel these emotions of fear and worry about the wedding. I would have this undescribeable fear when I thought about the wedding. A nameless fear. It freaked me out. Brides are not supposed to be afraid of their wedding! I thought something was wrong. I would tell myself, "why are you worried? Marrying Craig won't change anything! It will all be the same." My attempts to rationalize the fear with that self-advice didn't work, because my self-advice was wrong and untrue. Because I did change.
I found a book about transitions, The Conscious Bride, and realized that I was thinking about it all wrong. Everything will change -- my identity will change. Change is wonderful, but change is scary.
When I began to see my fears as a natural part of the changes, I began to be able to work through these issues. I worried about finances. Although financially relatively independent, I knew I could always move home if needed. And while I know that if things get really bad, Craig and I could both move home, the freedom to do so will not be the same, and the ability to do so will not be the same. My biggest worry was that I would lose me. I struggled with the concept of intimacy, and worried I would fail at it. I set up invisible boundaries, and I worried I would hold back, try to maintain my sense of self as I knew myself. But allowing myself to think "this is big, you will change" allows me to be okay with worries with finances, and to share those worries with Craig. Change allows me to seek out a new intimacy as a married person, while my identity as a single person wanted me to hold out and protect myself.
I look the same, and act mostly the same. Things do in many ways seem the same. But everything has changed. Realizing this was one of the most freeing thoughts that I have had lately.
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