I need to dance!

I think confidence really is what gets you to places you want to go.  I want to be good at my job, at my career.  But unless I have the confidence to go forward boldly, I'll second guess every decision and move.  And then I'll just end up going around in circles.

I'm starting to feel more confident, and I'm starting to enjoy what I am doing.  But I still have a lot of doubts and timidity.   No good.

Laura's husband Joey suggested that we try Brazilian Jujitsu to gain confidence.  He said that as your body physically becomes more skilled and strong, and as your mind becomes more able to anticipate your opponent's move, your confidence increases in other areas of your life.

I could try jujitsu.  But, I'm thinking I would rather dance.  I've noticed that when I drive home for lunch in the middle of the day, and blast an upbeat song, my attitude changes.  I wonder if learning the technical side of dance would give the same effect as learning jujitsu.  I feel like I can always learn more law, but it doesn't matter how much I learn -- without confidence I'm nothing.

So, in the words of Josh Turner, "why don't we just dance?"

Weekend

After work on Friday, Craig and I headed to Bonnie's parents' lake cabin. We caravaned to the lake with friends from Tuscaloosa and met up with friends who used to live in Tuscaloosa. Although we were only there about 20 hours, it was fantastic.

Weird to me, that everyone at Bonnie's lived in Tuscaloosa a year ago. In about 3 months, no one will be left. We are all leaving! Some to DC, some to NYC, some already in Birmingham and Montgomery, and Craig and I to Boston. It was good to spend time with everyone, especially since now I am so aware of how little time we have remaining in Alabama.

After eating and playing games, and watching Michaelito try to walk, some of us ended up in the lake at around 1am. It was the latest I've stayed up in awhile. It was perfect. The water was warm -- you could even see the steam rising up from the water and making a mist over the lake. The moon was full, and the clouds in the sky created a mist effect that blended into the mist from the lake. The whole effect was that the lake looked like a scene from Twilight (not that I've seen Twilight, yet. . .) It wasn't scary, though. Just incredibly peaceful.

I wanted to post a video I took of little Michael learning to walk. . . blogger does not seem to be my friend today, though :-( bleh

Change

Transitions. I've breathed this word during the past year. I wrote pages of journal entries figuring, or trying to figure, this all out. What does it mean to transition, to change?

Sometimes I wanted to deny that there would be a change. Craig and I lived together already. We loved each other just as much. I tried to tell myself that the wedding would not change anything. I thought this would comfort me.

But it didn't. Even though my living situation stayed the same, I changed. Even though Craig and I have the same love for each other before the wedding as we do now, we changed.

I don't know why, but it is. My relationship with my parents has changed. They see more more as a unit, with a partner. They were always accommodating to make sure Craig was included, but now, it isn't just Craig with me. It is me and Craig. We went out to dinner with my parents this past Sunday, and it was weird. My mom seemed goofy, more childlike. My dad seemed like he still wanted to be protective but didn't know how. Awkwardness. Unsure of how to talk about things.

I haven't felt the changes much with my friends, but I know we will be seen more as a unit, especially when we move to Boston and make new friends. Us. No longer me and him. Us.

Not to say that I've lost my identity or anything like that. Rather, my identity has changed from a single person to a married person. I am still me. But I am no longer able to identify myself as a single person. I have changed.

This was what I was grappling with this past year, during the engagement. I would feel these emotions of fear and worry about the wedding. I would have this undescribeable fear when I thought about the wedding. A nameless fear. It freaked me out. Brides are not supposed to be afraid of their wedding! I thought something was wrong. I would tell myself, "why are you worried? Marrying Craig won't change anything! It will all be the same." My attempts to rationalize the fear with that self-advice didn't work, because my self-advice was wrong and untrue. Because I did change.

I found a book about transitions, The Conscious Bride, and realized that I was thinking about it all wrong. Everything will change -- my identity will change. Change is wonderful, but change is scary.

When I began to see my fears as a natural part of the changes, I began to be able to work through these issues. I worried about finances. Although financially relatively independent, I knew I could always move home if needed. And while I know that if things get really bad, Craig and I could both move home, the freedom to do so will not be the same, and the ability to do so will not be the same. My biggest worry was that I would lose me. I struggled with the concept of intimacy, and worried I would fail at it. I set up invisible boundaries, and I worried I would hold back, try to maintain my sense of self as I knew myself. But allowing myself to think "this is big, you will change" allows me to be okay with worries with finances, and to share those worries with Craig. Change allows me to seek out a new intimacy as a married person, while my identity as a single person wanted me to hold out and protect myself.

I look the same, and act mostly the same. Things do in many ways seem the same. But everything has changed. Realizing this was one of the most freeing thoughts that I have had lately.

Solstice

Happy Summer Solstice!

Cool fact: My birthday is at the cusp of (or some years the same day as) the summer solstice. Craig's birthday is at the cusp of (or the same day as) the winter solstice.

Fate? I think so ;-)

Though, technically I don't believe in fate. But I do believe in metaphor, and rituals.

Birthday :-)

6/19/2009 -- 6/19/2010:

So much has happened during this past year. Craig gave me a wonderful card on my birthday that made me realize how much has happened.

Studied, studied, studied.

Brought my beloved dog Otto into my life.

Took two bar exams (in the same week).

Passed two bar exams.

Got engaged.

Traveled, last-minute-like, to India.

Had my first broken bone.

Planned. Freaked out. Analyzed.

Got a job as a lawyer.

Esq.

Went to court. And again.

Got married!

Became a wife.

I think year 26 wins the "year of transition and change" award so far.

On to year 27!

The Job

Some days I really love being a lawyer.
I think it has to do with my confidence level.
Some days, I want to crawl under a rock and hide.

I'm starting to feel comfortable with what I am doing.
But soon, I'm going to leave this job, hopefully start a completely new job, and go through the process all over again. I guess that is a part of life.

Craig and I are sitting at my uncle's beautiful house, getting ready to attend a wedding tomorrow. We went to the rehearsal dinner tonight, at an awesome place in the middle of nowhere, Mississippi. The groom's family was from all over -- New Jersey, Ohio, St. Louis. Fun to be around. I like being reminded of cultural differences. Apparently the water glassses are super-sized in Mississippi. And fried catfish is not necessarily considered a delicacy outside the South.

Wonderland day

I felt like today I woke up on the wrong side of the mirror. Surrounded by Mad Hatters and late to everything.

Well, I wasn't really late to everything. But I felt like I was moving slowly, and time was rushing by quickly.

Friday can't come soon enough. . .

One Month

One Month.

A month ago, I woke up oddly calm and ready for the day. The calmness did not come without a nine month history of preparing, journaling, thinking, worrying, and finally, a major freak out the day before leading to my mother taking away my to do list. I spent the morning getting ready, drinking mimosas, and eating brunch at my grandma's house with my sisters and friends.

I met my love at the church I grew up in and we had a meaningful ceremony surrounded with the love of our friends and family.

We walked out of the church, into a borrowed Thunderbird, and felt like we were walking on air. We made our way to a barn and partied with our friends and family.

The whole day felt like a blur, like Craig and I were in our own little bubble. Turns out, we ended up dancing in a sea of bubbles before leaving to start our life together.

Happy One Month, Craig :-)

All pictures taken by Erin Johnson Wingard

I'm sorry

We are so mad at BP, at the Federal Government, at everyone else for causing this horrible disastor in the Gulf. We are quick to find blame with the giant oil corporations, upset that they have distributed 10B+ to its shareholders. We are angry with the federal government for not responding quickly enough, for not regulating enough.

But we as a nation can't escape the blame. We are oil hungry, gas hungry. I can't escape the blame. I am oil hungry, gas hungry. We look for easy fixes and quick answers. We consume and rely on oil -- the same oil that is now polluting our beaches, our playgrounds. We have created a huge demand for this thing. The oil companies are big and monstorous, but we created them. We created them and they took on a life of their own. Now this black gold that we have craved and sought and fought over is coming out at us in thousands of barrels a day. It is uncontrolled -- just like our desire for oil has become uncontrollable.

I'm sorry.

Two weekends ago my parents and Craig and I went fishing in the Panama City Bay area. As our little boat got closer to the opening into the gulf, we saw a couple of dolphins swimming. They were about 15 feet from our boat, and so happy and beautiful. Right now, Panama City Beach is oil free, but I'm worried it won't be long. Oil hit another one of my favorite places, recently, Fort Pickens. Above is a picture of Fort Pickens, taken spring of 2008.

Camping

Random piece of advice, don't go camping in the woods with no running water when you are coming down with a urinary tract infection.

Otto and I did survive, though. He came away with only 2 ticks (one dead and stuck, one alive and crawling). I only had two ticks. (both stuck -- eww). I made Craig drive me back while crying outside the tent only once (Friday night -- when the uti decided to rear its head -- I came back to the woods Saturday). I think the only reason I came back was out of love. It had to be. Though it probably would have been better for both of us (and Otto) had I stayed at home. Tents and ticks are not my thing, I've decided. Roughing it is cool, if there is some sort of grander purpose. Mission trip roughing it because you are doing work for others, cool. Visiting foreign (or not so foreign) places and roughing it because campsites are more budget friendly, cool. Loading up a car with enough water, food, wine, beer, and a blow up air mattress only to drive 40 miles and sleep outside in no air conditioning? No thanks. I like my nature in 3 to 4 hour trips.

Maybe next time, when I'm not sick.

Holidays and oil

Today is the birthday of Jefferson Davis. Well, actually, he was born on June 3rd. To be more precise, today is the observed birthday of Jefferson Davis. A state holiday.

3 of our 13 state holidays (14 if you count Baldwin and Mobile county celebrating Mardi Gras) commemorate the civil war and its heroes.

Robert E. Lee's Birthday, celebrated this year on January 18. Simultaneously celebrated with Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday.

Confederate Memorial Day, celebrated April 26, 2010.

Am I the only one who finds this odd?

In other news, my family went out fishing in the Panama City Bay this past weekend. Saw dolphins in the bay, walked along Shell Island, and traveled around the bay and marshy areas. Really hope that beautiful area stays that way.